Living for Myself While Hoping for the Right Person

Leah Leilani avatar

by Leah Leilani |

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farewell, support system, tiredness, single, ableism, angels, independence, crip camp, redefining success, introversion

I have clear memories of listening to my fourth-grade friends talk about what their “boyfriends” got them for Valentine’s Day, or whispering between one another during class about who liked whom.

My hope of one day having a stereotypical teenage romance carried into high school, but dwindled as I found myself having to be home-schooled. I was always the type of girl who wanted a boyfriend, but it is only now, at the age of 23, that I realize I never needed one.

After two relationships, I am back to being single, and guess what? I’m OK with that.

I won’t deny that in the last few weeks there have been moments of self-doubt. Moments when I ask myself questions like, “Will I find ‘The One?'” and “Am I enough?”

The little red guy on my shoulder whispers that my love is less valuable because I’m unable to provide a family and a home to a future partner, and that my inability to cook a homemade meal and fully care for myself disqualifies me as a suitable girlfriend or wife. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel tempted to enter another relationship just to have someone to cuddle and say goodnight to.

Pushing aside these thoughts, instead I focus my energy on carrying on and moving forward, like a bull barreling through a fence.

Although I know the perks that come with being in a relationship, such as human touch and having someone to call your own, I have learned that there is value in being single as well. In a place where I once felt loneliness and a desire to feel wanted, I now experience peace and an eagerness to thrive on my own. There is relief in knowing that I’m living for me and only me.

Contrary to popular belief, having a significant other isn’t the most important ingredient to happiness. There is no shame in being single.

Relationships come and go, but the things that matter most are constant and never fade, such as family, friends, and a belief in myself. No matter what happens, I can count on these to be by my side.

For now, I am happy with where I am in my life, and I look forward to what awaits me. Slowly, my desire to be in a relationship will return, as well as the hope that the right person is out there waiting to meet me, too. Interabled couples like Squirmy and Grubs are proof that I am enough for someone and that person will accept all of me just the way I am.


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