A caregiver’s birthday offers an opportunity to practice self-care

January doesn’t just bring a new calendar year. For four of us in this family, it’s when we celebrate our birthdays. A new year of life!

I live in Nebraska with my husband and six of the seven children we share. My daughter, Lexi, 24, lives in another town with her husband, but Max, 20, Chance, 18, Rowen, 17, Charlie, 15, Mary, 11, and Callie, 4, are all at home with us. Max, Rowen, and Charlie live with Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD).

When we celebrate birthdays, we go big. They’ve become even bigger events over the years after our sons were diagnosed with DMD, I think in part, because as they get older, there is no knowing which one will be their last one.

So we decorate the house with streamers and banners, an eclectic bunch of decorations, from Batman to butterflies, that I’ve saved over the years and that all go up, no matter whose birthday it is. We also let the birthday boy or girl dictate the day, from where we go to what we eat.

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Birthday party for 4

Callie kicks off our month. She turned 4 on Jan. 9, and we celebrated with bowling and Chinese food from the restaurant she lovingly calls “the chopstick place.”

Charlie turned 15 on Jan. 17, and the day culminated with a baked potato bar he planned all on his own. It was the biggest baked potato bar I have ever seen, with everything from brisket to sautéed onions, and everything in between, ranging from the typical to the unexpected.

On Jan. 21, Rowen turned 17, and he chose steak, cheesy potatoes, and gifts.

I am the last Vertin birthday of the month, closing things out on Jan. 31 . I stay home, open a handmade card or two from my youngest children, don’t cook, and we order something.

My husband (God bless him) is not so into making birthdays grand. I once found the card he intended to give me, days later, in a bag. He means well, and he shows me how much I am loved in many other ways every day.

It is nice not to cook on my birthday, but the day finds me taking care of my family, the same as every day, including Mother’s Day. I help my sons go to the bathroom, get them their meals, and get them dressed and out of bed. These are all things I’m happy to do because it means they are here with me. But it’s not a relaxing way to spend my birthday, and the day often ends with me as tired as I am on any other day.

Away game

But this year, my son, Chance, is playing in a college baseball tournament in Arizona. I asked my husband to let me go alone for my birthday. He was happy for me, and has made every last plan to get me there and take care of the kids while I am away.

I plan to watch baseball and spend time with Chance, but I’m also looking forward to eating nice meals alone, spending time in the hotel alone, and reading, taking hot baths, and sleeping as late as I possibly can before the first game starts. I don’t want cake or presents; I want an opportunity to recharge my battery.

The kids say they’re sad they won’t see me on my birthday, but I don’t feel guilty. I really want a weekend to myself. In years past, the guilt would have consumed me, but these days, after years of caregiving and expending all my energy on everyone else, I know I need a break. I know it’s OK for me to take this time. Time away will make me a better caregiver and mom.

I am proud of myself for showing that much growth in self-care.

Note: Muscular Dystrophy News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or another qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Muscular Dystrophy News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to muscular dystrophy.